It's been five months since Josh asked me to "make it official" again.
So, for our special day, I got up, and made a delightful breakfast. Bacon, fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, and fresh fruit. That is one thing I've always been confident with - my ability to cook. I'm not saying I'm any top chef, but I can fry a mean potato, amongst other things. The rest of the day was spent...being in each other's company. I've always been a big cuddler.
It's been a wonderful five months, it's also been a very bumpy five months. But, one must also understand that he and I have been on and off for nearly 5 years now, a lot of things that need to be talked about and locked away for good can happen in five years. And it seems we both saved all of those things for these five months.
Which makes sense, I never felt safe enough to completely let him in before. Not when he was off being an 18 year old guy. Not when I seemed to be the last thing on his mind, especially the summers he spent drinking. These are all things I've forgiven, mind you. He's grown a lot, he's more set on being a person that he knows I need in my life. More set on loving me, rather than confusing the hell out of me. He's really grown up, and I'm proud of him for that, he's made an effort to give me his all. How could I really continue to lock him out then? How could I really keep holding things that happened when we were 15 against him?
He even has me in his heroes on myspace! hahaha. And he holds my hand around people! (Josh has always been very against any public display of affection, even hand holding or the slightest gaze that may hint we're together). I love that boy, more than I've ever loved anything, or anyone. It's a crazy scary feeling. But an amazing one all the same.
I remember being so hopelessly heartbroken over him, and then the feeling of falling all over again, and even faster, when he kissed me during a break in his last relationship. All of our friends have always talked about how perfect we are together (yeah - we're that couple.) And during our past, where we were a prominent entinty on the punk scene, everyone knew us at that couple.
And this five months, has entirely healed the wounds that built up over 5 years of trying to figure out exactly what we were to one another, while hashing out a couple new ones. New ones that will heal, no doubt, but too slowly for my tastes. Patience is a virtue, right?
In three days, it will be our 5 month anniversary, a month away from the somewhat serious 6 monther.
I really couldn't be any happier. I've waited many years for him to actually be in a relationship. And now that the newness of our relationship, that wasn't new at all, has faded, and the constant comments of how much we love one another aren't as frequent, and I see that I still feel the same way for him, this is when I feel confident in this relationship. It's not just being "in love" with someone that makes you a great couple. It's the ability to grow together as one entinty, to be entwined with one another, to have love and to be in love.
I saved this conversation, I would read it every time I felt like giving up on him, when I felt that the road was too dark and to winding to follow. And it always kept me strong.
He was about 3 months into his last relationship when we had this conversation;
Joshua 10:42: since that first not even 24 hour period we dated
Josh 10:42: like
Josh 10:42: I've always thought of you as the "perfect" girlfriend
Josh 10:43: which...
Josh 10:43: bleh
Josh10:43: i really dun wanna fuck that up
Josh 10:43: lol
aeanatomy 10:44: ?
Josh 10:44: so i don't want to even start something until i'm completely ready to settle down
aeanatomy 10:45: bleh
aeanatomy 10:45:I'm far from perfect.
Joshua 10:46: nah dude
Joshua 10:46: for real
Joshua 10:46: aside from a couple emotional problems with i truely feel i've either caused or added to... you're exactly what anyone should want in a long term partner
Joshua 10:47: which really... i'm far from ready for
Joshua 10:47: and if it seems like i keep putting you off for other people, that's why
Joshua 10:47: i mean
Joshua 10:47: i've always felt the the same for you
Joshua 10:47: but i'd rather do my stupid shit to other people
aeanatomy 10:48: yeah..
aeanatomy 10:48: I don't really know what to say, and there's nothing to say, you're with someone else.
aeanatomy 10:48: I'm sorry
Joshua 10:48: don't be? lol
Joshua 10:48: so i'm realizing i'm being way more honest than normal
Joshua 10:48: lol
aeanatomy 10:48: yeah
Joshua 10:48: or actually... being able to say what i've wanted to
Joshua 10:48: and not known how
Joshua 10:50: but seriously
Joshua 10:51: when i told you i wanted to just be friends for a while... and try getting together in the future
Joshua 10:52: i meant it
Joshua 10:52: just... i didn't know how far in the future
Joshua 10:52: and yeah... i never really expect(ed) you to wait for me
Joshua 10:53: but yeah, please?
It's probably ridiculous that I held onto this conversation for the better part of two years. But I've never taken love lightly, it's not something to take lightly. I've never said "I love you," to anyone else. It took me nearly 8 months to say it to him the first time. I can't stand that feeling that I may be playing with someone's heart. It may hurt to say "I love you" and not hear it back, but it sucks even more when you find out the person never loved you at all, they just said it...because you did.
Now, don't think I'm too pathetic. I tried dating other people, but no one else ever felt like..such a fit. Plus, they always rushed the "I love you" thing, for getting laid no doubt, but it was still very irritating. And through this all, we remained decently good friends. We would hang out a couple times a week, and I kept it very plutonic, even though he tried to make that otherwise. I couldn't stand the thought of being the "girl he cheated with." the girl that essentially gets desposed, or becomes the rebound girl. Plus, if I know someone is dating someone else, I won't let that stuff fly, it's not okay, and if I can stop it - I do. No matter how much I like, love, adore, the dude.
He may not sound like the best guy. He's made his mistakes, as we all do, and he has his flaws, as we all do. But in my eyes, he's everything I want, or ever wanted.
I am very surprised by how much I adore this show. I'm a very big fan of "Weeds," I love everything about it, and it still holds #1 in my books, but "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl" is a close contender. I think I like how raw it is, and the actress is very...believable for the role. I'm not quite sure if that's a good, or a bad thing.
It still reminded me of a good friend of mine.
His name is Tom. We met in an AOL chatroom, back when I got my very first laptop. I think..I was 14 or 15, and I won't lie, I had a little e-crush on him for quite some time. And then, one Halloween, he met this girl. Her name was Andrea, and she seemed to be essentially perfect from him. She was funny, and she was cute.
But there was something about her that I never quite trusted.
Mainly because, she claimed to be a model. But - lacked a portfolio. And lacked any type of modeling feature.
For one, she's tiny. Coming in somewhere around 5 feet tall. And her face...was just painfully - normal, and as I said, NO PORTFOLIO. No proof of any modeling work, whatsoever.
And after a year, of hearing about how in love he was with her. He found out from a friend, that she was a pornstar. Ms. Brandi Belle to be exact. That was obviously followed with many months of heartbreak. Tom's a good guy, he just needs to chill with getting too attached, at times.
I'm a fan of memories. Especially those made with pictures.
June 21, 2008.
You can read the article here, at Wired.com
http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/magazine/16-06/st_wtf
I don't know how to respond to this.
While I recognize that someone who could honestly live their life entirely online, and not see the problems therein, has a mental disorder, or at least a very serious mental problem. I also am growing more and more aware of today's society feeding more and more into the trend of using a medication to cure every problem imaginable to the human race. Depression, weight problems, anxiety issues, and now, individuals whom like their computers far exceeding the normal amount of accepted affection.
And while I realize that extreme cases of the above stated disorders do require medicine, not every case does. But every case is at least offered the choice, and nine times out of ten, handed it within minutes. My brother's doctors have told my parents countless times to put him on ADHD medication, which they refuse to do. The symptoms he shows, are normal for little boys. And using a medication to suppress him, and his appetite, I find to be the wrong decision. The other scary part of this, is that it's seeming that other means of dealing with problems, aren't being discussed anymore, or at least, aren't being discussed as much.
There are other routes to dealing with problems, a pill can't solve it all.
I won't lie to you, this picture makes me feel like I have phototaker skills.
I had the best time, ever, the other day.
Downtown GR has this hideous "Statue" that for some reason we are fucking known for, called The Caldeer. I assure you, it is nothing to travel to Michigan to see. I don't even reserve it the right to be known as "art."
But there was a protest against the war held there a couple days ago, called "Bodies Against War." I attended, and the aftermath was spectacular.
Tracie, and I, laying in our "Bodies" outline.
Alayna, with the Caldeer behind her. I told you - it's ugly.
I was laughing too hard to be pictured.
Alayna, looking lovely, outside the Caldeer Plaza.
My wonderful boyfriend, looking dopey with joy.
Josh, my boyfriend, got me a ghost plant today.
He happens to work at a plant store - Nature's Own - and I saw a ghost plant there one day, and commented on how much I admired it. They really are cool plants -
I can't lie to you, I thought it was the most ridiculously cute thing any guy has ever thought to do for me.
Thank God it's a succulent, and therefore easy to take care of.
I just hope I can grow it to the size of the beautiful one I saw in the plant shop.
Until this year, I've never had the joy of spending Valentines Day with the person I truly love. Despite being on and off, and off and involved, and confused, with the same guy for nearly the past 4 years, something has always conveniently happened right before Valentines Day, so that I was once again left alone. And because of this, I've typically had a distaste for the holiday, and labeled it overrated, like every other single person out there.
But this year, I get to make a, hopefully, delicious dinner, and at the moment I even have a cake in the oven. For once, I really don't think it's overrated, I think it's just a day to feel closer to someone, and to do something special for that certain someone. I've discovered I love cooking by being with him, which, beforehand, I never cooked...seriously, like..never. And now I get to test that love for cooking, on..some real food. (His mother tends to buy food that's easily made in 10 to 15 minutes, and comes completely from a box, whereas I prefer food that you buy raw, buy vegetables and spices to add, and cook, in other words, I like real food. She prefers processed crap that's easy to make.)
Speaking of food, food has always been a big thing in my family. We love it. And being raised in a very Dutch and Irish family, we've always had good, amazing even, food. My grandmother makes apple crumble to die for. And, being Dutch, you have to expect we love our carbs. Breads, potatoes, corn, all those lovely starches. Mashed potatoes, with corn and peas mixed in, was one my favorite side dishes as a child. It still is actually. I also appreciate that my family didn't just stick to those tried and true recipes, my grandmother on my father's side, had been a missionary for many years of her life. She traveled all over the world helping people in the name of God, which is something I idolize her for. She happened to pick up some really delicious African and Asian recipes that only she could ever pull off. My grandmother really is an amazing woman, I can't imagine what our family would be like without her.
I don't know how this all got to food, but, Happy Valentines Day!
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